Chuck Heston Mini Disaster Movies - The Lost Files
by Random Guise
Summary: Years ago there was a series of syndicated radio bits called "The Chuck Heston Mini Disaster Movie" that had a caricature AU of an actor being distraught over some situation that was a disaster only in his mind. These are additional bits written in the same style, hence the T rating. You can find a few of the original bits on the internet. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Many years ago there were some comedy bits syndicated around the country on various morning radio shows called "The Chuck Heston Mini Disaster Movies". It showcased a caricature of Charlton Heston being overwrought for no particular reason with an everyday event. They followed a usual formula, where he has to save the day from a problem that only exists in his head. They usually involved a secondary person trying (and failing) to set him straight, whom Chuck chastises in a threatening, sexual manner. The intro and outro was done by someone using a 'movie trailer' voice.** ** **After hearing two or three examples just about anyone could come up with one.** Quite a few of these short audio bits were made.  
**

 **But maybe not enough.**

 **So a person who shall remain nameless (ahem) decided to write a few more. Good luck trying to find the original bits now, I think most have disappeared as time has marched on. But these are posted in tribute to the original works, and are broken down into groups so you can bail out if you get bored. Remember, these were written almost twenty years ago and probably haven't aged that well. The call letters of the radio station, now defunct, have been changed to protect the innocent.**

 **Regardless, it's probably the most tasteless thing you'll see me write (and that's saying something).**

* * *

The Lost Chuck Heston Mini Disaster Movies  


 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie...It began as another day in the audience until suddenly..._

Damn! I've forgotten to convey my congratulations to KOLD on their ninth anniversary. Quickly! Load my trusty rifle for a 21-gun salute.

Actually Chuck, that's a broom-vac...

Silence you flatulent excuse for a mime! I'm an expert marksman-don't force me to set my sights on your ass!

Yes sir...(tinkering)

That's it! All right, let me aim and pull the trigger...(sound of vacuum activating)...AH, its sucking out my eye!

 _Annie Oakley, Will Rogers, Roy Rogers, Roy Clark and Johnnie LongBarrel star in "Dante's Clean Shot". Be there!_

 _..._

 _Today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie-it began as another day in the lab until suddenly..._

Damn! This boombox only picks up Kenny G songs. I've got to somehow get it to tune into KOLD. Quickly! Weld my hand to the antennae to increase the reception.

Actually Chuck, you hit the play CD button. The radio switch is...

Silence you introverted existentialist! I used to tour with AC/DC. Don't force me to give you my rendition of "Big Balls"!

Yes sir. (sounds of arcing...)

That's it! Increase my range...I think I'm picking up something and it doesn't smell like teen spirit! Eeeiiiiiiii...

 _Alan Freed, Alan Arkin, Alan Arbus and a special guest to be named later star in..."Dante's Frequency". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as just another day on the interstate until suddenly..._

Damn! I stick out like a sore thumb down here in the pits. I've got to somehow blend in with the crowd. Quickly! Rub motor oil on me, knock out a few teeth and shove some chewing tobacco in my mouth.

Actually Chuck, this is a freeway. The track...

Silence you unfrocked race queen! I drove the pace car at the Daytona 500. Don't force me to take a victory lap around your ass!

Yes sir...(disgusting squishing and chewing sounds)...

That's it...I'm starting to feel at home...get me to a TV, I need to watch the Grand Ol' Opry!

 _Bobby Labonte, Terry Labonte and a half-dozen guys named Jeff star in-"Dante's Kingsbury Dry Lite Ice Malt Liquor Summer Speed Spectacular 400." Be there!_

 _..._

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as another day in the office until suddenly..._

Damn! I forgot it was Helen Keller's birthday. I've got to somehow show my awareness and understanding of her condition. Quickly! Shove me into this sensory deprivation tank.

Actually Chuck, that's a telephone booth. We don't have a...

Silence you festering blister of moronity! I was the US Party Game champion three years running. Don't force me to pin-the-tail on your ass!

Yes sir...(scuffling sounds)...I'm duct-taping the door shut...

That's it! I'm cut off from the world. I can't hear anything...(telephone ringing)...wait, oh how could she stand this incessant ringing in her ears? Argggg!

 _Ray Charles, Prince Charles, Marlee Matlin and the refs from last week's football game star in..."Dante's Blackout". Be there!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as another day in the lab until suddenly..._

(woman's voice) Damn! I've gotten Chuck Heston's personality transferred into my brain. I've got to somehow transfer it back to my assistant.

(feminine Chuck's voice) Actually Dr. Allen, it's not that bad of a problem...

Silence you schizophrenic doppelganger! I used to be you. Don't force me to download the personality data into my ass. Err, your ass...whatever!

Yes ma'am. I'm throwing the switch...(buzzing, bleeping)...

(voice becoming more masculine) That's it...I can feel the change...wait...(voice jumping in and out of Chuck)...transfer interrupted! Damn the internet! But now I can't decide if I want to cancel my subscription to "Ladies Home Journal".

 _Chuck Heston, RuPaul, any member of Monty Python and Ed Wood star in "Dante's Identity Crisis". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie…it began as another day at the store until suddenly..._

Damn! I seemed to have traveled back in time. I've got to somehow keep myself from altering history.

Actually Chuck, we just switched the clocks from daylight savings time. You really didn't...

Silence you apron-wearing hideous buffoon! Lock me into this cryogenic freezer and thaw me out when I reach 2023.

Chuck, that's an ice cream freezer...

Damn it! I used to play Smiley the Stockboy. Don't force me to price-check your ass!

Yes sir…(shuffling sounds)

That's it…drop my core temperature…(big squashing sound)…since when does cryogenic solution have pralines in it?

 _Ice Cube, Ice T, Mr T, Mr Coffee and Stretch the love icicle star in…"Dante's Time Warp". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another morning until suddenly..._

Damn! I woke up on the 18th hole of the golf course again. I've got to somehow hide my wretched condition from those golfers coming my way.

Actually Chuck, you fell asleep in your salad again. You're in the dining room...

Silence you pasty-faced Thelonius Monkey! I used to be a lifeguard. Don't force me to resuscitate your ass! Quickly! Stick this flag pin up my butt!

Yes sir…(pushing sounds)

That's it…a little bit further...(pop sound) there. Watch out, I'm a par five!

 _Eddie Arnold, Arnold Palmer, Arnold the pig and Ingrid the busty chambermaid star in…"Dante's Back 9"…be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day at the gameshow until suddenly..._

Damn! I just can't seem to figure out this puzzle. I going to have to buy a vowel.

Actually Charlton, this is "Jeopardy." You can't buy a vowel...

Silence you "Mr Smarty Pants" Trebec! I can kick your butt. Don't make me respond in the form of a question!

Yes Charlton. (sigh) What vowel do you want to buy?

I want to buy a "3". And stop looking at me like that, damn it! Oh why didn't they invite me to "Hollywood Squares"? This game is so hard!

 _Woody Allen, Woody Guthrie, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (the tall one) and Sanka the relaxed store clerk star in…"Dante's Daily Double". Be there!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day on the job of a twenty-seven floor government construction job until suddenly..._

Damn! I forgot to bring my lunch. I have to go get it. I'll be back in 4 hours.

Actually Chuck...Chuck?

 _Samantha Fox, Redd Foxx, Fantastic Mr. Fox and Steve the claustrophobic elevator operator star in…"Dante's Meal Ticket". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day in the recording studio until suddenly..._

Oh darn! I'm suddenly speaking like I belong in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. I need to regain the use of expletives and insults. Please, enlist me in the navy as soon as you are able.

Actually Chuck, you're still reading from a script. You can talk any way...

Be silent I implore you! I was once employed as an alter boy. Don't require me to give you a list of references. Oh, speaking like this is making my tummy upset...

Yes sir. (shuffling papers)

Thank you (scribbling sounds)…that's it...signed up for four years…Damn I need to get to a bar! About (bleep)ing time!

 _Dennis Leary, Bob Keeshaw, Lenny Bruce and Carl the anorexic elephant star in "Dante's Viewer Discretion". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day at the Academy Awards until suddenly..._

Damn! I got passed over for the Harland Williamson Memorial Award again!

But Chuck, that's a posthumous award. You're not eligible...

Silence you malodorous gnome! I was the manager for Starland Vocal Band. Don't force me to play "Afternoon Delight" on your ass! Now give me a Vulcan nerve pinch to simulate death. I'll get the nomination for sure!

Yes sir…(vise noise)

A little higher...ouch, my eye...no...wait! Little Chuck just got happy. Remember that spot!

 _Spike Lee, Herman Wouk, Alan Smithee and Lynette the deadpan bedpan star in "Dante's Nomination". Be there!_

 _..._

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day at the studio until suddenly..._

Damn! I'm surrounded by strange-looking talking animals. I've got to somehow look like I belong on their planet.

Actually Chuck, this is the "Muppet Show". You're this week's guest..

Silence you pompous pinwheel pusher! Shove your hand up my posterior and make me lip-sync poorly to old show tunes.

But Chuck, you're not...

Damn it! I used to be a Good Humor man. Don't force me to show you new uses for old Popsicle sticks.

Yes sir.

That's it...ouch...cue the orchestra...ouch...everyone now..."Midnight...ouch...not a sound from the..."

 _Tiny Tim, Andre the Giant, Teri Garr and Jerki the extra-hairy coconut star in "Dante's Hand Signal". Be there!_


	4. Chapter 4

_Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day at the studio until suddenly…_

Saying I'm what idea no has partner recording My. Language foreign a in speaking I'm Damn!

Actually Chuck, that's not a foreign language. You're reading the script backward.

Direction other the in points it so around head my turn, Quickly. Thought I than worse its Backwards? Pool gene human the of dregs remaining you Silence!

Come on Chuck, just turn the paper over.

Ass your on topographical get to me force don't! maps draw to used I. It Damn!

Yes sir. Let me get a grip.

(Sounds of grunting, creaking) That's it, I can talk normally again! Its certainly a different view. (Farting sound) Damn, now I can REALLY smell my own poo gas!

 _Heston Chuck, Blake Robert, Hessman Howard and Sirhan Sirhan star in…"Dante's Palindrome". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day at KOLD until suddenly..._

(Sounds of commercials running simultaneously) Damn! I've got two voices going at once. I must be speaking in tongues!

Actually Chuck, that's just a glitch in the new computer system...

Silence, you oozing bag of blandness! Quickly, grab this vial of holy water and annoint me before I spew projectile vomit on the controls.

But that's a flower vase...

Damn it! I used to play a proctologist. Don't force me to make a special appointment for you!

Okay. (splashing sounds)

That's it. I can feel Satan leaving me…my voice is clear again. And I smell lavender fresh too!

 _Chuck Heston, the Osmond brothers, Father Guido Sarduchi and Pointy the rugged cross-stitch star in…"Dante's Jukebox of Satan". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day in the shopping mall until suddenly…_

Damn! I must be suffering from memory loss! I don't remember any of these people's faces.

Actually Chuck, this is a public appearance. You've never met any of these…

Silence you flabby intestinal parasite! I've read that intense pain can cancel out the effects of the affliction. Quickly, flog me with that shopping bag!

But I don't think…

Damn it! I used to work at International House of Pancakes. Don't force me to serve my "pig in a blanket" special!

Yes sir…(paper whacking sounds)

That's it…I'm starting to remember now…you look familiar…wait…now I remember, we did this last week!

 _Chuck Heston, Julia Child, Julia Roberts and Kingston the seven-foot jockey star in…"Dante's Autograph Session". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day on the street until suddenly…_

Damn! I've been stuck in this traffic for hours. Move that trailer out of the way you lard-butts! There must be an accident with this many people standing and looking.

Actually Chuck, you're in a parade and that's the Orphan's Home float ahead of us.

Silence you dilapidated ogre! Quickly, drive along the side of the road while I clear traffic with my siren sound.

I don't think…

Damn it! I starred in Soylent Green. Don't force me to have you for dinner!

Yes sir. (Squealing tires sound)

That's it, over to the side…(Chuck making a siren) breeeEEEEEEeeeeeee …breeEEEEEeeeeee…(thunk sound)…wait, what's a tuba doing on the hood of our car?

 _Chuck Heston, George Kennedy, Miss America and Hank the perky drum major star in…"Dante's Review Stand". Be there!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day at the office until suddenly…_

Damn! Its August already and KOLD hasn't announced a location for their football Major Wager yet. I've got to come up with a location of my own to hold the event. Quickly, add chairs and big screen TVs to my den!

But Chuck, shouldn't you wait until they announce…

Silence you insufferable biped! I taught Bob Villa everything he knows. Don't force me to renovate your ass!

Yes sir. (Sounds of construction, hammers etc)

 _Three weeks later..._

That's it. Open the doors and lets party! (sound of door opening, crickets). Damn it! Where is everyone?

Actually Chuck, its Wednesday. You'd get more people on a day they actually HAVE a football game.

Shut your pie hole! Oh great, now I'll have to close the place down...

 _Brian Brown, Brian Bosworth, David Copperfield and Jiggles the cheerleader star in..."Dante's Scheduling Blunder". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day at the hospital until suddenly…_

Damn! The cafeteria is closed. It's supposed to be open for snacks 24 hours a day. I need to get in and get something to eat. Quickly! Go through this side door with me.

But Chuck, the cafeteria is on the bottom floor. This is the culture lab…

Silence you cow dung-faced tenderfoot! I played a sanitation engineer. Don't force me to send you to glory in a glad bag!

Yes sir…

(door opening) Hmm, things are locked up pretty good around here. Ah ha, they left out a jello snack. (eating sounds) That wasn't very tasty, what flavor was it…Salmon Illa. Funny, it didn't taste like fish OR vanilla. (wretching)

 _C. Evert Koop, Dusty Springfield, Doogie Hooser and Bob the mid-term intern star in…"Dante's Kitchen". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie—it began as just another day on vacation until suddenly…_

Damn! I fell asleep by a lava flow again. I've got to protect myself somehow against the tremendous heat.

Actually Chuck, that's a lava lamp. You're in your hotel…

Silence you wretched bowel weasel! Quickly, wrap this high-tech heat shield around me.

But Chuck, that's just old foil from some Ding Dongs…

Damn it! I used to be a crewmember in "Lost in Space". Don't force me to show you the nearest black hole!

Yes sir…(crinkling sounds)

That's it…oh I feel cooler already…wait, there's something in here besides chocolate crumbs…its moving…Polynesian roaches! I'll risk the lava!

J _ack Lord, Jesse Sapolu, Jesse Jackson and Rufus the mute tour guide star in "Dante's Island Hop". Be there!_

...

 _Later this week on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie...it began as just another day in the lab until suddenly..._

Damn! My favorite DJ is moving to Hawaii and isn't going to be on my station anymore. I've got to somehow follow him to his next gig. Quickly! Stuff me into his camping gear right now.

Give it up Chuck! He has a life to live. You should give it a try sometime...

Silence you wozzy wozzle wickie! I've had a long career...don't force me to start my retirement in your ass!

Yes sir...

(Grunting, squeezing sounds with a muffled talking) That's it...now I'll be shipped to his next job. What's that hissing sound? It's starting to smell bad in here, I'd better light a match to see...(EXPLOSION)

 _Don Ho, Tom Selleck, Danny Ongais and Captain Horatio "I'll show my" Hornblower star in "Dante's Aloha". Be there!_

(**note: the DJ in question did go to Hawaii for a year, then returned to the station. And he made it a point not to pack propane gas in his gear any more just in case.)


	6. Chapter 6

_Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as just another day on the farm until suddenly…_

Damn! The pilot light has gone out on my cow. I've got to get it relit quickly.

Come on Chuck, cows don't have pilot lights…

Silence you sad excuse for used alfalfa! I have a degree in animal husbandry. Don't force me to show you my techniques on your ass! Now hand me that lighter.

I'm getting out of here…

Fine! I'll just do it myself. Now stand still Bossy while I get you going again… (flick…flick…FOOOOOOOM)…ah, my eyebrows are gone! What's this hoof doing stuck in my forehead?

 _Farmer John, Acme Dairy, James Harriot and Heather the Love Bovine star in "Dante's BBQ Chuck Steak". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as just another day on the school grounds until suddenly…_

Rats! Someone has messed up the steps on the slide. Now I won't be able to climb to the top.

Uh Chuckie, you're looking at the wrong side. The steps are over here…

Shut up! My mom's bringing cupcakes Friday. Don't make me have her drop yours.

Go away Chuckie, you're weird.

Now I've got to find something else to slide down…maybe these monkey bars. Ow ow ouch! Daddy!

 _Captain Kangaroo, Big Bird, the cafeteria staff and Patches the first aid clown star in "Dante's Playground". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as just another day online until suddenly..._

Damn! I lost (insert username)'s email he sent me three months ago. Now I've got to chisel his email address in my forehead so I won't forget.

Actually Chuck, its right here in the contacts folder...

Silence you mound of acid reflux discharge! Now swing this hammer while I hold the chisel.

But you can just click on…

Damn it! I was writing letters before you were born. Don't force me to show you how I use my "male server" on your ass!

Yes sir...(pounding of hammer)...that's it…don't forget the sign. Oh wait, you made a typo. Better get the BIG bottle of hydrogen peroxide.

 _Bill Gates, Bill Mumy, Sandra Dee and Jeffrey the lonely lineman star in…"Dante's Correspondence". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as just another day online until suddenly..._

Damn! Someone is pirating copies of my mini-disaster movies on Napster.

Actually Chuck, it's just someone who sounds like you...

Silence you poor excuse for a sidekick! Now help me file this injunction against file swappers.

But you never actually MADE any of those movies…

Damn it! I know me when I hear me. Now hear me! Don't force me to "log on" your ass!

Yes sir...(filing of paperwork)...that's it…wait, without these comedy bits I don't exist...stop...fading away...

 _Rich Little, Monet, Jonathan Winters and everyone who sounds like anyone star in…"Dante's Doppleganger". Be there!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie - it began as just another day at the gym until suddenly…_

Damn! I'm putting on weight. I look like a big bloated whale. I need to loose some pounds now!

Actually Chuck, that's the thick down jacket you're wearing...

Silence you carbohydrate-loaded pastry queen! Quickly, chase me in a car while I jog down main street.

But sir...

Damn it! I know Richard Simmons. Don't force me to introduce you!

Yes sir.

(sound of running) Ah, this is better. I'll just take a short cut down this ally...(sound of machinery)...what...of course I know I just ran into a car wash. No, I DON'T want the Blue Coral cleaner on special!

 _Jack LaLaine, Susan Powter, Denise Austin and Helga the touchless masseuse star in..."Dante's Detour". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie - it began as just another day shopping until suddenly..._

Damn! My car has exploded into a million pieces. I some how have to assemble it again so I can drive home. Quickly, hand me that wrench while I hurry to gather the parts!

Uh, Chuck, nothing happened to your car. You're standing in a auto parts store.

Silence you roadie toadie! I've got a long task ahead.

But Chuck, if you just look outside...

Damn it! I used to pit crew in the Indy 500. Don't force me to change the gear ratio in your rear end!

Yes sir...

Hmmm, add a coil here...a spark plug there...air filter...now does the cash register go in the front or the back?

 _Henry Ford, Betty Ford, Betty Fjord and Shock the grease monkey star in..."Dante's Repair Manual". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie - it began as just another day outside until suddenly..._

Damn! The sun's going out. I'm going to freeze in the cold vacuum of space.

Actually Chuck, the sun's just setting. It happens every evening about this time...

Silence you astrophysicalcosmo noodle-head! Help me rewire my home tanning booth from 110 to 440 V.

Really Chuck, that's not a good idea...

Damn it! I've been to other planets. Don't force me to chart a course for my boot to your ASSteroids!

Yes sir...

There...last connection...done! Now at least I can bask in the warm glow of my own personal heat source. (flicking switch) Aaaiiiieeeee! Even my bones are getting tanned! And I smell bacon...

 _George Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton, Carl Sagan and Zeus the singing earthworm star in "Dante's Dimmer Switch". Be there!_

 _..._

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie...It began as just another day at home until suddenly..._

Damn! There must be someone else living in my house I don't know about. I have all this mail addressed to someone named "Occupant".

Actually Chuck, everyone gets mail like that because...

Silence you male-order bride! I guess this "Occupant" guy has been moving around quite a bit. I need to set a trap for him in my house.

But sir...

Damn it, I've played the Postmaster General in a feature film. Don't force me to show you my Special Delivery! Now help me rig the refrigerator with this sleeping gas.

Yes sir. Say Chuck, aren't you thirsty?

I sure am. Let me reach in and get a...a...maybe something after my nap...ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

 _Key Luke, Luke Perry and William Perry as "The 'Fridge" star in "Dante Doesn't Live Here Anymore". Be there!_

...

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster film...It began as just another day on the restaurant sketch until suddenly..._

Damn! What do you mean "baked beans are off"? What am I going to do?

Well Mr. Heston, we don't have many choices...

Silence you feloneous monk! Now give me a substitution with my meal before I serve you MY "daily special".

Yes sir, you can have Spam instead.

That's it! I'll have Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam and will someone shut up those damn Vikings before I have to get my rifle!

 _Leif Garrett, Leif Erickson, Eric Idol and Patty the pressed spiced ham star in "Dante's Menu". Be there!_

...

 **A/N: If you've made it this far I guess I should throw in one last bit...**

 _Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie...It began as just another day at until suddenly..._

Damn! All these people have read my story but no one has left any feedback.

Actually Chuck, you're looking at a telephone listing. None of...

Silence you poor excuse for a Dewey Decimal System! I've got to get them to leave a review somehow. Quickly, point me to the rated 'M' for magnificent stories.

But sir...

Damn it! I played a tortured author in a summer production in Buffalo! Don't force me to hire you as my 'Best Boy'!

If you insist...

That's better...let me favorite the first couple dozen stories, I can read them later...wait, what does slashOClemon...AU...BAMF...mean? FluffHurtAngst? Oh the jargon!

 _Stephen King Jr, Stephen Foster, Foster Brooks and Arnie the Bookbinder star in "Dante's Review". Be there!_

* * *

 **A/N: To quote Tom Lehrer: "You've yourselves to blame if it's too long, you should never have let me begin."**


End file.
